When They Attack
by Maaya
Summary: A.K.A The FmA Zombie Crack Fic. Oneshot. Don't take it too seriously.


Warnings: Crack, Stupid Humor, Zombies, Maaya generally having had a good time. ;-P

**When They Attack (A.K.A The FmA Zombie Crack Fic)**  
by Maaya

Roy had to admit, situations like these were the reason he kept Hawkeye around. Damn, that woman was good.

Roy leaned against the wall and crossed his legs with an air of nonchalance, doing a good job of ignoring the hissing, not-quite-human sounds outside. "Keep up the good work, lieutenant."

Hawkeye didn't spare him a glance as she reloaded her rifle. She didn't need to aim as she shot through the small window in the door; it wasn't very hard to hit that..._thing_ that was trying to press its face through the small hole. The _thing_ shrieked and fell. Another one immediately came to replace it. She shot that one too, and the one after that.

"Help would be appreciated, sir," she said grimly between shots.

"And do what? Fry us all?" Roy shrugged, but his gloves were on. If anything would happen, he was fully prepared to snap his fingers and burn all those things to hell. If this already wasn't hell, of course. Damn, this had looked like a good day too, at least up until a very disfigured and bloodied military woman had tried to bite him. Roy knew he attracted ladies and he had put up with quite a lot of strange things over the years, but _that_, he had quickly decided, was somewhat overkill.

He was thankful to those who had built the doors to his office. They were very...sturdy. Hadn't so many of those _things_ been waving their hands through the small window-hole in it, Roy might have tried to approach it and strengthen it a bit more with a transmutation. Right now, it didn't feel very tempting.

Everyone in the office jumped when the window behind them was smashed.

Third floor, Roy reminded himself. They were on the third floor. No matter what had happened to the window, it couldn't be one of those _things_...right? He didn't think they were intelligent enough to climb.

He was right.

"What the _hell_," Edward demanded, brushing his clothes off, "--is going on here?"

Alphonse managed to squeeze his armour body in through the window after his brother. "Ah, look. Everyone's alright."

"Fullmetal." Roy straightened, carefully picking away pieces of glass from the folds in his uniform jacket. He hated it when people other than himself made dramatic entrances. "Nice timing. Now could you please do something about that door?"

Edward was unimpressed. He took one look at the door (it had once been called sturdy but now it looked like it would fall apart any minute) and clapped his hands. A moment later, a fine wooden wall was covering the entrance. The howls outside grew even more muffled, the wall must be thick. Roy decided not to ask where the material came from.

Hawkeye lowered the rifle. "Thank you, Edward."

Edward shrugged and raised his automail-hand to study. "On of those things _bit_ me!" he complained, turning his metal hand to get a better look at the damage. He was lacking his index finger and parts of his middle finger. The rest of the hand was covered in what possibly could be called saliva. It looked like it was eroding. "Winry is going to _kill_ me!"

"It could have been your real hand," Havoc pointed out from the corner. Edward didn't look very reassured.

Hawkeye interrupted. "Gentlemen. We should be trying to get out of here." Behind her, Roy nodded, trying to look like he was the one who had said it.

"Brother," Alphonse piped up. "I think it is the bites."

Edward looked down at his hand, then up at Alphonse again. "What do you mean?"

Alphonse held up his own metal arm, he had apparently been bitten once or twice too. "Those things are mainly trying to bite people. I think it's spreading like that."

"Some sort of infection, then?" Edward was thoughtful. "If there is an infection, it might be possible to reverse it."

Alphonse nodded. "If we study the saliva, we might be able to produce a vaccine."

The officers watched as the boys began to theorize and examine the saliva. Roy leaned back against the wall again. He could relax now. Everything was back under control. Just a normal day at work now. Piece of cake.

**end**


End file.
